No Mo' Joe

Joe is leaving tomorrow morning. Joe. Joe, my roommate for the past four months is leaving in the morning in thirteen hours. I’m going to miss him, though I would never say that to his face. I’m going to miss the way that he is always messing with me, how I usually wake up in the morning to his middle finger in my face. I don’t know when I’ll see him again, if I ever do. I plan to visit some, but what if something happens? There is no guarantee of anyone’s time left here on this earth. Tomorrow could be the last time we see each other....ever. Kinda weird to think about. At this moment, I wish I was coming back to school at Saint Cloud next year, and living in the apartment with Randy, Joe, Andy and Amy, but I’m not. I will be over a thousand miles away at a school with people that I don’t want to see. I guess I could always cling to the possibility of coming back to St. Cloud next year or even next semester. Who knows? I sure hope God knows what’s going on with my life because I sure don’t have a clue. I hope he has good things in store for me because if I always feel this way, I’m going to have a pretty restless life. I guess I say all this to conclude that I’m going to miss Joe. He has been a great friend to have and my life just won’t be the same without him around.

leaving

Here I sit in my dorm room thinking. I'm thinking about my school, St. Cloud State University. I have been here for exactly 2 months and 23 days, and it kind of has become a home for me. I didn't realize how much I cared about it until I told my friends here I was leaving. Leaving and going back to Arkansas.

My buddy Randy seemed to take this news the worst, because I told him that if I come back next semester we could be roommates. He's acting really weird and quiet now, and I feel like a jerk. I never told him that I was coming back here, but I guess he assumed it. As I sat across from him, while he barely spoke, I thought about some of the fun times we've had together.

We are always partners when we play pool, and even though we are horrible, we still have such a great time. When I do my stand up comedy, he appoints himself my body guard and makes sure I don't die on the way to the show haha. One time Randy and I did this obstacle course and we had to do a sack race and he fell over. I can't help feeling sad that I'm going to be leaving this. Joe, Drew, Randy and myself have become a family, with each of us playing a different role and it's going to be terrible leaving and knowing that I may never see them again. I guess we better make the most of the month we have left, but I don't know if things can be normal anymore.

feeling

So how exactly does one go about feeling someone else's pain? I'm not really sure how it happened but I feel pain that is not mine to feel. I don't mind it though. Perhaps it takes a little pain off of the other person, but who knows. I wasn't able to sleep last night because of this pain I'm feeling, so I used that time to think. There has been a lot on my mind lately and now there is even more.

The past two days I have talked to a couple of different friends about God and religion. I was brought up in a Christian home, always attending Church of Christ services, and being made to believe that we are right. How do we really know? The only reason I was brought up christian is because that's how my mom was raised, and her parents, and my grandparents parents etc. It's just hard for me to believe that of all the religions out there and all of the families I could have been born in to, it just so happens that I was born into the right one. I guess it's lucky that I wasn't born into a Buddhist family because I would be brought up believing that was the truth. But what is the truth really?

Why does the christian God make it such a big deal to be baptized? There is nothing significant about going underwater. I have been brought up to believe that if you aren't baptized you won't go to Heaven. That just doesn't seem right to me. If there is a good person in the world, I don't think it should matter whether they have been dunked in water or not. The more I think about it, the more baptism seems like some sort of a cult ritual.

I don't mean to be anti religious, I just have questions and thoughts that I want to share in case anyone else feels the way I do. I recently heard that a christian college that some of my friends go to, doesn't allow girls to attend there if they are pregnant outside of marriage. What a great message to send to the world about christianity, people who make mistakes are not welcome here. A poor girl who already has so much to deal with, now has to worry about finding another school to go to. It makes me sick that people who claim to be christian can push those in need away so easily.

Sorry if I seem bitchy. I want to know the truth, is that so much to ask? What if God is the equivalent of Santa Clause, a nice story but when it comes down to it, just a myth? Isn't it strange how Santa Clause and the birth of Jesus are celebrated on the same day? I really don't know what to believe and my family doesn't really help me out either.

My mom's side of the family is so focused on their own ideas and beliefs that they won't even listen to me when I try telling them what I think. I was lectured on Christmas Eve because I told them that I don't have a problem with gay people. I think it's great for people to be true to themselves and be who they are, but apparently I'm a terrible person for thinking this. One of the things I hate most about christianity is how the older generations seem to have closed their mind to any other ideas that aren't their own.

Well I hope I'm not a terrible person for writing this, I just wanted to put my feelings on the matter out there for others to read. I encourage you to search for truth, if the truth is what you are looking for and don't just settle for what someone tells you. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. Omnia Vincit Amor. Love Conquers All.

secrets secrets are no fun

I have a secret I'm dying to tell

but no one reaches out to me, nobody cares

I need to let it out, just pour out my heart

i haven't been able to do that in a long long time

please listen, somebody, anybody

i don't want to keep this in, but i don't have anyone to tell

i can't do this anymore, im tired of it, im ready to go

far far away, i want to leave this place

i want to stay upon a list of conditions

that are abided by, by the people who knife my life

those who want me gone, i'm leaving now

goodbye

cold, cold heart

Deciding what to do with one’s life is an easy thing to do

it usually involves many revisions

when I think of future should i think of you?

should my the money I make be able to support two?

so many questions, and no answers at all

i feel no motivation when i think of my life

it seems to have no purpose, im just miserable

why should i keep living, if im living in strife

i want a lot of money but whats the point

i’ll still be lonely

death is the one thought that brings comfort to me

is there any reason not to die

sure if i die people will be sad, but why?

they don’t act like the give a damn about me any other day

people say suicide is a selfish act

it’s only selfish because death is better than the life others have to deal with

everyone should kill themselves

no guilt, no worry

a mass suicide of sorts

i can be as crazy as i want to be

i can be a lunatic

i can do whatever i want, including jumping off a bridge

life is a joke, a cruel senseless joke

thanks for the suffering